Voices In My Head #9

HOT off the press the late night edition from my computer to yours. If its not there in 30 seconds your next issue is FREE!!! But enough with the frivolous meandering and on with the show


TODAYS ISSUE: Tools of the homicidal maniac

In an effort to show neophyte maniacs some of the vast array of possibilities open to them, The voices have decided to print this list of tools. It is, in no way, complete. It is merely intended to give the beginner some insights into his many options.

'Choose Your Weapon'

The tools of a Homicidal Maniac are as varied as the types of people who use them. Everybody has their own personal preference. There are, however, some good guidelines to follow in choosing what is right for you.

1.) Only choose a tool or tools that you are going to take the time to learn how to use properly. There is nothing quite so pathetic as a homicidal maniac who doesn't know what he's doing.

2.) Your media presence is a tool unto itself. Try to make the most of it. For example: an 'Axe- wielding Maniac' (while somewhat overdone) conveys a message of fear to the general populace, whereas a 'Spongemop- wielding Maniac' tends to evoke an emotion something more along the lines of humor than gut wrenching terror. (though the concept of a Spongemop- wielding Maniac DOES have some intrinsic value, and may well fall into the 'cool' category if done with the right zealous abandon.)

1.Axe/ Hatchet :Very common. Everybody wants to be an Axe- wielding Maniac. not very original, but a useful tool just the same.

2.Bombs: Like the Axe- wielding maniac, the Mad Bomber is just a bit overdone. Also, bombs lack the precision that is the trademark of an authentic Homicidal Maniac. Only should be used as a last resort.

3.Chainsaw: Waaaay to unoriginal. BUT so cool we don't care.

4.Firearms: Highly discouraged. Put simply,: it's too easy, there is no challenge. Even a complete incompetent can kill with a gun. If you must use a firearm, it should be either A.) painted bright 'happy' colors, or B.) have writing all over it. eg: little drawings, slogans, Etc.

(*Note: the Voices are forced here to denounce items of archery such as bows and crossbows as well, not because we don't like them, but (again) because it's too easy. Though we don't denounce them as vigorously because there is a degree of skill required to master them.) (*Another Note: blowguns and slingshots are o.k. they are fairly ridiculous and therefore cool. Boomerangs are pretty slick too. if you can do it, go for it.)

5.Flame Thrower: Oh yeah, if you can find one, use it.

6.Garrote (Piano Wire): Not always practical, but neat just the same.

7.Hammer (Claw): Good.

8.Hammer (Sledge): Better.

9.Knives: By and far the best tool. You can NEVER have too many knives. Your knife is your best friend. ALWAYS have a knife with you. Your knife loves you.

10.Machete: Pretty cool, kind of unweildy though.

11.Martial Arts/ Weapons: There is a catch-22 here. The only time you should use martial arts or martial arts weapons is if you have the necessary training, however, if you have received the necessary training, you know that you can't use it for Homicidal Mania type stuff. Hmmm. Probably a good thing to have in your bag'o tricks, but should only be used properly.

12.Poison: A rather 'unaestheticly pleasing' tool. Use it if you like. We think you could do better.

13.Power tools (General): There is just something neat about the idea of using a Dremel or a hacksaw on someone. Easy to learn too.

14.Surgical Instruments: If you know how to use them. VERY cool. If not... don't waste our time.

15.Swords: Second only to knives in terms of the best tool. Anybody can shoot someone, but it takes a special kind of Homicidal Maniac to use a sword. (Note: the Voices (probably incorrectly) places bokens (wooden swords) into this category and not in 'martial arts'. Why? Because we want to.)

16.Vehicles: Sure, why not?

17.Whip: if you can use one effectively (read as: without putting out your eye), then do it. (I know we love our whip)

18.Other: Chains, Toothpicks, Feather Dusters, Barbed-Wire, Musical Instruments, Small Field Rodents, Pencils, Blowtorches... ahh, the sacred 'Other' category. this is where you'll find the assorted flotsam that defy description. Everything here is cool. Be creative. Live in the 'other' category.

SO I hope you learned some valuable lessons today, and remeber, When you do pick a weapon make sure to talk to it often because it has feelings too. ;-)>